Happy, joyous or depressed??

Tired

2008-07-15T02:55:00.000-07:00

:(
What an awful way to start a blog post.
I just feel horrible, as though nothing in the day has been going right - nothing has, actually.
I feel cold and I have a headache and they're really not helping things.
I feel like a near-failure.
I'm bored of people all people I just feel like running away from everyone and just sleeping on my bed with the cover fully drawn over me.
Uhhhh. It just feels so awful! I want to get out of this crazy place and have to do nothing at all!

Self needs encouragement

2008-04-04T03:10:00.000-07:00

Is it too much to ask for things to work out? To work out quickly? Or am I just being tested, to see if I'm tenacious, if I can hold on, and to check if I'm the optimistic girl I think I am?

Soon, my dear, it'll all get over soon. Very soon.

2 more days before exams begin....

2006-04-13T10:04:00.000-07:00

And this is exactly how the study plan I wrote in my diary 2 minutes back, goes:

CS202:
Watch Orientalism video. (about an hour long speech by some guy)
Orientalism readings.
Read the textbook chapters again.
Oh, you forgot the lecture notes!

*Basically everything needed for the exam.*

CS212:
:O
God save me!!

CS215:
Notes.
Everything.
Again.

CS222:
Textbook?! START!!!
+ Notes
Everything forgotten.

MB103:
He he he.
Inime daan start.

And this is how my timetable goes:
17th Apr: CS202
18th Apr: CS215
20th Apr: CS215
21st Apr: CS 212
03rd May: MB 103

Really, God save me.
*Whew, better.*

Totally random

2006-04-12T09:39:00.000-07:00

Positively irritated.
With people, things, days and of course, myself. Wish I could shut up more than I currently do.
Wish I actually study. Instead of wasting time. And take more care, instead of being the ever-so-clumsy me. Ughhh!!!
God save me.
Oh yeah, the others too.

Why conform?

2006-04-07T00:45:00.000-07:00

Yes...why should one conform to the society?
Maybe so that there's no confusion.
What if my not being conformed causes no problem to anything, anything in the society?
I often wonder why I should do something because everyone does it? First thing is how it could be everyone if I'm not part of it :) But silly thoughts aside, why, if my being different causes no problem to anyone?
It's crazy. That everyone cries for movies, everyone likes rock, this that. Everyone doing something doesn't mean it is universal. So what if I don't cry when I watch movies? I think it's utterly stupid to get emotional for something that is false, fictitious. I can't. That I don't cry is no testimony to the fact that I'm someone emotionless. It's just that it takes different things to dig deep into my emotions and make them come out.
And what with music. Everyone likes rock. Or that rock is the music of the elite, those who like rock are the 'real' music fans, they're in the high strata. What rubbish! Who is anyone to even comment on any of my music tastes?! My music is my own. It's for me, my pleasure, my sadness, my companion. Not listening to any particular msuic doesn't make me any less of a music fan than anyone else.
The reason 'everyone does it' to get me doing something is the most irritating one I can ever get. Surprisingly to myself now, I used to give that reason at least five years back, telling my mother I want something because 'everyone else' has it. It irritates me to no extent these days, that the best I can do to stop myself from yelling is to shut up. My individualism has grown to such a great extent now that I'm actually scared. Scared that I'll displease some who matter the most to me. My 'I don't care' attitude is nearing levels it has never seen before, but this doesn't scare me. I know that I don't care only about things that are not of great consequence to me; things which, if absent, do not cause a great loss to me. Nowadays, my attitude has become one of 'If you think it's right, if you want, do it' I don't know if it's right or wrong, but again, who makes the right or wrong? Why should anyone conform to the society's right or wrong? Ultimately it all seems to boil down to the if-you-care concept. If you care about what society thinks about you, stop. If only your near and dear matter to you and they disapprove, stop too. If you don't really care about nothing, just go ahead. And this principle is damn exciting to live by!
I'm not completely an individual for whom other opinions have stopped to matter; it'll take ages for me to get to that stage, because there are a number of people that I always want to please, the people whose approval I want for everything I do in life.
For the others, I don't care. Don't expect me to do something because everyone does it.

P.S.: Dusting up this blog after ages. :)

Disaster time

2005-10-27T22:12:00.000-07:00

So long since I posted in this blog; felt like I was neglecting it badly! Here comes a post after more than a month, at a time when exams are beginning and everyone's busy studying (and me whiling away my time!).
It's seriously disaster time all over the world. Things have not been good in India too. Starting from the tsunami last year till the latest floods in and around Tamil Nadu, India has been bearing the brunt of loss and destruction.
And boy, it's raining in Chennai. Pretty amusing that the rains have now gone to such an extent that people are wishing it stops. I can only recall how even this May, everyone around was cursing the city for it's hot weather and no water, wishing it would just rain cats and dogs. And when that does happen, there's no guessing how put off people are by the fact that this rain forces them to remain indoors most of the time.
The first thing I asked when my mom said it was raining back home was "Happy now, there's so much water around?"
"Hmm, yeah...." came the reply. I could see she was wishing there wasn't so much water around in the main roads! I was just thinking about what I used to do if it rained during school; while fervently praying that the school would declare it a holiday, I hated the very fact that I had to stay at home with the fans on at full speed to get the damp clothes drying, with lights on most of the time, and me trying hard to get some Chemistry equations into my head. What was the worse was thinking about how I would have to get back to school the next day.
Are we just unsatisfied souls who always find grass on the other side green?

One Sad Story

2005-09-09T00:30:00.000-07:00

There was this angelic girl who was not that forgetful. She always tried to be optimistic. But somehow she felt that God kept taunting her to see how much she stuck to life and her ways of looking at life.
Well, you must have guessed by now that this angelic lil' girl is none other than yours truly. Try as hard as I might to grit my teeth and smile at every mishap, things just seem to go wrong at every turn. They're not huge things, thank God, but those minor, little things which are highly capable of putting you off.
Keys and I have never had a proper relationship, I guess: read this and this, for ways in which keys have recently given me slight traumas. And now they're back again.
My keys are lost! :(
It's amazing how I can lose them so near my room. I got into my room and went straight to crash. I woke up to realise I don't have my keys. Whether I left them in the keyhole or left them elsewhere, is a mystery.
I have turned almost the whole room inside out to search for the keys; no luck.
And here I am, waiting for a brilliant flash of luck to strike tomorrow in the form of the good old ladies who clean the hostel, or some good soul who returns them to the hostel office (who, hopefully, should contact me and give them back). Maybe, heights of optimism.
In the event it doesn't happen (which, I pray and hope, is not the case!) I have to think of other means.
Ugh....need some strong pills of optimism!!

Life's at its best!!!

2005-08-10T10:14:00.000-07:00

My fingers type away excitedly at the thought of typing on my black, sleek, keyboard after three months. I look out and feel childishly happy that I'm in my own room at last, this year. I then look back and look at the other side of my room, at my Norwegian room mate's side. Life has come back to normal to me.

After two weeks of quite a gruelling time, Lady Luck and God's Grace finally decided to favour me! :P But the wait has been worth it, and now I'm really happy. With my computer playing my favourite songs, some of which I'm listening to after a whole three months, life exhibits every sign of having returned to normalcy.

All the innumerable assignments given by my school just add to the feeling of 'having come home.' Running about in between two classes to reach the other class room, meeting up with so many different people for different projects and finally getting confused about it, ECA practice, writing stories, things have fallen right in their place in that jigsaw puzzle of life.

A new hope has arisen in me; I feel optimistic to a level I've felt very rarely before, at least in the last year. My whole life is right before my eyes encouraging me, saying "I know you can do it!" and glad as ever, I accept it and go ahead with full zest.

The past year in university has taught me so many things, importantly made me mentally tough to accept difficulties. Difficulties, after all, I learnt, are just little times in between; they come before great things happen! They just make sure you stay put so that you're still around when the thing you've been waiting for all this while, actually happens!

Whew, what a contrasting post this is to what I had written previously here! Yes, times have changed.... things have become brighter.... everything around seems to brim with life and optimism. As I came back one night all alone, enjoying my solitude with a little cone of ice cream, licking it away with utmost pleasure, nature seemed to whisper, only in my ears, "Life's at its best!!!!"

Questions unlimited

2005-07-28T15:38:00.000-07:00

I am always so full of questions; and when I am in a contemplative mood, as I am today, my mind bursts open with so many questions, most of which are never answered. I think now, as I struggle valiantly to be optimistic, that I'll never find the answers.
For instance, why is it that good times seem to disappear so quickly that you never realize they're gone until bad times start taking effect?
Why are there so many bad times that make you wish for some time turner and change things, or better still, to escape into the future so you don't have to face them!
How do things unexpectedly make even the optimist feel hopeless?
And why does God seem to leave that hand He used to hold you with, when you needed that support the most?
But well, things can never be hopeless....even in the darkest of skies, there will be some ray of light coming out to give a splinter of hope....or maybe, the other way to feel hopeful is to think of those people who are worse, as it comes in one old song in Tamil, oft quoted by my mother.
"Unakkum keezhey iruppavar kodi,
Ninaithu paarthu nimmadhi naadu"
(Umm, well, not sure of the second line :) )
What say you?

Seconds

2005-07-17T21:07:00.000-07:00

Seconds
By this I mean not minute-seconds; not the second hole girls have on their ears, but the kids born second to their parents. This is just a random thought that flashed across my mind, and nothing serious, so Anu, don’t mind! :)

Second kids, if they have no more siblings after them, are called kadai kutti in Tamil. They are supposed to be highly spoilt, pampered children. But mind you, that’s rarely true! Seconds are the poor souls who are second in many things, right from that dress you wore when you were three years old, to the cycle you rode when you were a kid. I mean, they mostly get things second hand.

People usually think seconds are children who are just pampered like hell. But no, I guess parents take extra effort not to earn their child this title and are, in fact, extra strict.

Seconds are also the ones subject to a lot of comparison with the older child. “Oh, he is so quiet, look at you…you talk twice as much as him!”, they say. Or it is “Your sister was such a brilliant child, teachers are actually surprised you’re her sister!!”. Thank god, I was never subject to such remarks, as I was silent with all people my sister used to be silent with, and I studied well, too! :P

Also, if you’re the first kid, just count the number of photos of yours, all alone. Guess parents are so proud and happy to have a kid around the home that they just have pictures of the first born in all sorts of poses.

Ah! Ippdi kupparichunta!
Picture.
Anga paaren, sofa-va pudinchundu nikaraan!!
Picture.
Pallu illama sirikardha paaren!
Picture.
Kai-ya epdi vechundrukkaa paren!
Picture.
Nikkaran!
Picture.
Nadakaraan!
Picture.
Sirikaraa!
Picture.
Saapadraan!
Picture.

(Exaggeration intended. You do have that many pictures!)
Also, first borns are usually the pets of grandparents, uncles (especially mama-s and chithi-s) and neighbours too! Most neighbours near our old homes, don’t remember me! :D

But the saddest things are the hand-me-downs. It’s quite easy to tell the innocent little ones that the things they are given are new, because most of the time they don’t remember the older sibling using it. Poor me, I was ‘cheated’ like this with watches, cycles, clothes and well, many other things. The cycles I had were the last straw. My tricycle had been used by a cousin, then my sister, then came to me. My (er, ok…as in used by me…) BSA Champ was Anu’s. The BSA SLR cycle, was, first my mom’s then sister’s, then came to me. But I feel sad for the person I gave away the SLR to, he’s the fourth in line. God only knows if he’s still using it.

But well, being second isn’t always a disadvantage. There are some up sides too. Parents usually are freer with the second one. They are less apprehensive about sending the kid out of home to study, and are more willing, usually to let the kid pursue studies of even off-beat subjects. This doesn’t generally happen with the older kid, I guess parents feel a bit insecure. And another thing, the second kid always has better stuff, say, like a computer, at an earlier age than the older one!

This has been written entirely in good humour. I don’t feel jealous coz we seconds enjoy life too! :P

That cat -2...

2005-04-24T14:10:00.000-07:00

Remember that huge, scary cat I had talked about in one of my earlier posts? (Read here).
Well, that cat has now taken some action to freak me out.
I lazily wake up this morning, go brush my teeth and enter the room, I hear a mew (yeah, from inside the room!!!!). I peep into my room with my heart pounding....whew, there was no cat inside the room. Yes, INSIDE the room.But I still could hear mews. Paartha the cat is sitting on my window sill and mewing to its heart's content!!! I was scared, thankfully, I did not scream like I once did!
Buzzzzz..flashback!!!!
Again, going towards the room. Cat is following me (cha, edhellam enna follow pannudhu!:( ). I try to shoo it away. Cha, pogavum matengudhu. And it suddenly disappeared. Well, good, I thought and opened the room. Right then I heard a really loud mew. And guess what, it was coming from right where I stood. I turned and looked behind. No, the cat was not there. I looked down. Confirming my worst fears (at least for that moment, they were my worst!), the cat was happily sitting at my kaaladi. I yelled like mad. I screamed like crazy.
Yeah, the cat got scared and ran away! ;)
Buzzz....come back to present.So the cat was at my window sill. Thankfully, the window's mesh was protecting me from the cat. I made noises, hushed and shooed but it refused to move. This is my thalaiezhuthu I thought, and left the room. I came back after a while. God only knows if I tortured the cat in my previous janmam or something....the cat was sitting quietly somewhere and starting coming behind me the second it saw me. I again tried to shoo it away et al. but of course, it would not go away.Now I had a problem.
For the way the cat was closely following me, it would surely enter my room. I had to do something to prevent that. When I neared the room, the cat obediently went and sat at the corner of my door. Oh my god, some strategic thinking needed!
What could I do, I quickly opened, went in and shut the door at lightening speed, summoning all my might. Whew, saved!!!!
The cat is still outside, mewing and mewing.
To the cat: I am absolutely sorry if I harmed you in some way in my previous birth or your previous births. I am sure it was done unknowingly because well, right now, I'm scared by what you do and I'm really sure I wouldn't have the guts to harm something I find scary. Please forgive me and LEAVE ME ALONE FOR NOW!!!!

Kill Them Now!!!

2005-03-28T19:25:00.000-08:00

If only those men got into my hands, I would strangle them to death.
Let me be clear.
There's this practice here of cleaning the grass with some highly noisy and irritating machines (what on earth in the grass they clean, I don't know!). These five men with these machines came to clean the patch of grass near my room today. And all this only when I'm getting my much needed nap in the afternoon! Really, if they are within my arm's distance (which they were, considering the fact that I could open my window and jump out anytime!) I would beat them black and blue!! (paavam, avanga velaiya senjadhukku enkitterndhu adi!!)

Be happy!

2005-03-12T23:57:00.000-08:00

I'm just surprised at how easy it is to make me happy - give me good music, or good food....you can lift my mood! That's such a big advantage, can change my mood from the worst to normal.

Guilty and scared!!!!!

2005-03-08T22:47:00.000-08:00

Guilty for going to that sabo last night and for returning at 1-30 in the dead night. Guilty for sleeping late and getting up at 9, half an hour late for my first lecture for the day. Guilty for not being quick to get ready for at least the 10 o' clock class. Guilty for that sudden change of mind when walking to the lecture room- "Should I really attend the class for 45 mins., now that I'm already late for it?"
Finally, scared if the professor will have a sudden, surprise pop quiz!!!!
Lord, please be kind to me!!!! I didn't want to miss the class!!!!

Thalai Valikidhu!!

2005-03-06T18:00:00.000-08:00

As I spread the pain balm over my eyebrows which is where most of my head aches are situated, I'm reminded of appa's comment one day seeing me rub the balm over my eyebrows, "You might be having sinus problem. Stop eating ice creams!" :) Eating ice creams, cannot stop dear dad! :D

Aaha!!

2005-03-03T14:13:00.000-08:00

Waah, the pleasure of eating a melting ice cream, in the cool night, fresh wind, walking down the road, nobody around, slowly, when time waits for me....

My new blog!

2005-03-03T14:12:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my second blog.
Warning: This site may contain some irritating or depressing material at times.This blog is basically for me to dump my feelings: happy, sad, irritated, depressed, joyous, on-top-of-the-world, and so on....I hope it always contains the nicer feelings!!!!!